Remember that one time when I got an internship with LDS Living Magazine and I was completely stoked about it? Like, beyond stoked?
Things have changed. Namely: this weekend I will be coming home and not returning to Salt Lake City to work. Like, possibly ever.
The following meme is for my sake only.
*cue interjectory Q&A session*
You: Gasp! Why, Ari?
Ari: Good question. I have no idea.
You: But...but...I thought you loved it!
Ari: Well, I did. I do. It's a fun environment to work in. My coworkers have been awesome. The blog setting is my favorite.
Ari: Well, I did. I do. It's a fun environment to work in. My coworkers have been awesome. The blog setting is my favorite.
You: Soooo...why?
Ari: Because I felt like it...?
You: But it was just four months!
Ari: Why, yes, It was. How very astute of you.
You: So why?!
Ari: Well, let me explain...
About two weeks ago, I had what I imagine a midlife crisis/mental breakdown is. I could not sleep, I could not eat, I could not focus at work. My body shook, my mind raced, and I stayed home for four days to cope with what was essentially severe trauma and nausea. I was miserable. Frustrated. Lonely. Upset. Sick. The gamut.
*cue interrupting question*
You: So, wait. Were you homesick?
Ari: Hahahahaha. No.
You: But you do get homesick, you know.
Ari: Yes. Thank you for telling me what I already know.
You: So...you're just giving up?
Ari:
Sometimes I've sent unvoiced prayers to my Heavenly Father, asking him to please give me a poetic life, one that ends where it begins, that has meaning, that is emotive. That may sound silly, but so far, he's doing a fairly good job.
Case in point: this. Seriously. Read it. You'll understand.
Four years after being led down a dead end that was my schooling, he's led me down one that is my career path. Four years after tossing and turning at my aunt's house in Sandy about what I should do, I've been tossing and turning at that same aunt's house in Sandy about what I should do. Four years after coming to a decision and feeling happiness, clarity, and peace, I have done the same.
Interestingly, after making the decision to move back to Cache Valley (like, my most recent decision to move back), I went to sleep and it was perfect. The next morning, I woke up concerned.
Am I doing the right thing here? Did I rush into this decision?
The answer came when I randomly opened my scriptures, a cross reference led me to D&C 6 (THE SAME CHAPTER THAT GOT ME THROUGH USU), and I read the following:
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.
"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"
D&C 6:22-23
That about settles it.
Years after making the decision to stay at USU, I wrote the following:
In my short life, I have come to learn that answers don't rest in a lineal line where we stand at point A and see them at point B. Answers, in my experience, always lie around corners, only reachable when we choose to move towards them with faith that they are there.
Sometimes our dreams and the things we want don't happen for us. We get dropped on an unfamiliar and unwanted road, let's say. We tend to blame that on the Lord, and we misunderstand who He is by claiming that He wants to hurt us. Why didn't I get that job, pass that test, get asked on a second date, or get into the school I wanted? We ask Heavenly Father. I was doing so well, and you had to cut me down and move me here. How could you do that to me?
Well, He does it because He loves us. That's always what motivates the Lord. And He, unlike us, can see around every bend. That's why we must trust Him.
And because I wrote that, I am completely happy. Nervous? Yes. Unsure? Yes.
But happy. The happiest I have felt in two weeks. And for now, that's enough. Sweet is the peace the spirit brings.
So, save me some more of your fall days, Cache Valley. I'm coming home!
*inappropriate interrupting question*
You: But wait! What are you going to do now?
Ari: You'll see. ;)
You are my favorite, to quote Tangled "That's the good part I guess, now you get to go find a new dream"
ReplyDeleteI like the somewhat reference to "God is the Gardner" by Hugh B. Brown.
ReplyDeleteEverything happens for a reason. The Lord has a plan for each of us. He doesn't always let us in on it. But we can trust in him. It's not always about the destination but the journey and adventure of getting there that matters.
The Lord loves you and is putting you were he needs you the most right now.