What are you afraid of?
My answer to this question has evolved several times throughout my life. In elementary school, I would have said getting called on in class. In high school, I would have said leaving all of my friends behind. As a freshman in college, my answer was the future. And as I've gone to school and grown into a woman, that answer has been sort of elusive, found in quite a few things.
Being on the KissCam.
Heartbreak.
Graduation.
Vulnerability.
Singing karaoke.
Pain.
Being alone.
Failure.
With a little more clarity now, I think the thing I fear the most is that I am not and will never be enough. I worry that I'll never be enough for a future employer, that I'll never be enough as a student; I worry that I'll never be enough in the callings I've been given, and that I'll never be enough to the men I date.
I am a perfectionist living inside of a body and a heart and a mind that are far from perfect. And I am so cruel sometimes.
You didn't get the job because you're not good enough of a speaker, Ari.
You didn't get the grade because you didn't do enough work.
You're not magnifying your calling like you should be; you're not doing enough.
He stopped dating you because you weren't smart, beautiful, fun, or good enough.
Everyone falls short at some point, but for me, falling short is incredibly and personally painful. I don't know how to compensate for shortcomings like I should, and a lot of times, I feel like I'm to blame for them.
How does a person become "enough"? How can you apply the Atonement in a way that gives you no doubt that, yes, you are enough?
I think I know, but when I have to ask myself the same questions, I wonder.
Yes, I'm totally reading through your blog backwards.
ReplyDeleteI suppose the simpler question is "How do you apply the Atonement?" I figure, if you don't have that peace and confidence then you're probably not applying the Atonement (correctly or at all).
Along those lines, I was reading Isaiah 53 a couple weeks ago and verse 10 caught my attention: "...when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand." When I (me) make His (Christ's) soul an offering for sin. How do I make Christ's soul an offering for sin?
Now this is Isaiah speaking. Being of priestly lineage, he would have been intimately familiar with the existing temple rights of his time, notably the sacrifice of the sin offering, and their meaning. The people he wrote to would not have missed the clear reference to the sin offering in verse 10.
Not saying I know the answer to your question, but I'm pretty sure a big part of it is wrapped up in that verse.